"I Need to Find What's Me" - What The Sisko Can Teach Today's College Students

 

I am so glad that Jake Sisko turned out OK. 

    The last shot of him on Deep Space Nine, staring out at the wormhole while the sad version of the show’s theme plays has always haunted me. Especially since "The Visitor" gave us a view of Jake’s possible life after losing his dad, and he was not OK. Deep Space Nine’s final moments leave everyone with something to look forward to; Worf and O’Brien are getting new jobs, Odo is saving the Great Link, Ezri and Julian are starting a new relationship, Nog is promoted, Quark’s bar is profitable, Kira is in command… and Jake is mourning. I am so glad to see that Jake did not go down the path that he could have, the path that Tony Todd so hauntingly showed us, giving up his writing so that he could try to get his dad back. I am glad Jake is OK.

Jake was the first child character in Star Trek who was shown to want to forge a path other than what was expected for him. It was always a foregone conclusion that Wesley Crusher would enter Starfleet Academy, and early on, it’s sort of assumed that Jake will go to Starfleet Academy. Because that’s what kids in Star Trek do, they join Starfleet and go to the Academy. Jake spends time worrying how he’s going to tell his dad, and with O’Brien’s encouragement, he tells him that “Starfleet is too much like you, I need to find what’s me.” Being a great dad, of course, Ben completely understands. Jake doesn’t know at that time what is like him, but he discovers writing and pursues it with passion and courage, and with a very supportive father.

    And this is why I think that Jake is the mentor that SAM needs. While she spends most of the episode trying to understand what Ben was like as an Emissary, what she really discovers is that she is looking to understand what she is like. She was sent by her people, created by her people, to attend Starfleet Academy for their purposes. She did not choose to attend the way that Jay-den or Genesis or Caleb did. Granted, Caleb was manipulated, but he still made a choice to stay. SAM was sent to the Academy with her purpose for being there clearly defined by someone else: her creators. Her parents.

Over the years, a lot of students I have worked with have come to college with certain expectations placed on them by well intentioned parents. I have had students tell me that they have to be a certain major because that is what their parents expect, or that they have to take certain courses, or that they have to pursue a certain career. There have been times when I ask a student “what do you want to do,” and it’s something of a revelation that what they think matters, that what they want from their life matters.

It’s also an adjustment for students and their parents, who have been used to parents being in charge during the K-12 years, suddenly shifting to the student being in charge. There can also be some inertia, as parent and student continue in the same patterns they followed in K-12, even as those patterns have to change because the student is no longer a child. The parents are well intentioned, as I said. They want the best for their kids. They want their kids to have great careers and go on to do amazing things, but it can create a lot of internal conflict for the student who is trying to figure out if they should honor their parents expectations or forge their own path.

When I work with a student dealing with these feelings, I will often tell them that they are the one who has to live their life, and they should make choices that feel the most right for them, their values. Sometimes that means doing what their parents suggest, sometimes it means doing something else that they feel called to. I also emphasize that it is the student who must make their choice, and anything anyone else says are just recommendations that they are free to accept or disregard. Parents, teachers, advisors; we all can recommend, but the student must decide what to do with their life. Ultimately, most parents just want their kids to succeed and be happy, and hopefully they will understand eventually.

SAM needs someone to listen to her, to tell her that it’s OK to be who she is, instead of who her creators want her to be. While The Doctor can fill that role to an extent, Jake Sisko is able to give her something The Doctor can’t. The Doctor learned new things about himself, like his love for music, but he never stopped being what Louis Zimmerman made him to be: a Doctor. The Doctor never decided to not follow the wishes of his parent, even as he grew and became more of a fully formed person. The Doctor never had a choice, as SAM doesn’t feel she has a choice.

By contrast, Benjamin Sisko encouraged Jake to figure himself out, without judgment or expectation. Ben’s advice was for Jake to “find something you love, then do it the best you can.” Ben did not push Jake to be a Starfleet officer once he understood Jake didn’t want to be one, and he didn’t push him into a specific career path either. He discovered his son was a poet and a writer, and encouraged him to be the best writer he could be. Learning about Jake, and the special father/son relationship that Ben had with him, gives SAM permission to forge her own path.

I am glad that Jake grew up into the kind of person he did, that he did not take The Visitor path. Jake turned out the way he did because of Ben’s love and support, because he was encouraged to discover who he is, rather than be forced to live up to expectations of him. That’s the best gift a parent can give a child, and it’s beautiful that Jake learned that lesson, made it a part of himself, and passed it on to SAM.